What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 01:01
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So whats the point in blame.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do atheists want to see God so badly?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What parts of the Bible, if any, are inappropriate to read to children? Why?
My life is so biszare .
She married twice! .
I said to her
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Comes on , in middle age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My family never makes their pension either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was scared of men, in general
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
I was very sick at this time too.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was seconnd youngest,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What did i know ?
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We all went to grammer schools
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I write beautiful poetry .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I have no regrets .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I don,t even have a pension.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.